I sometimes feel myself falling into an emotional roller coaster. Because I can step one foot into the right directions and then get knocked out and pushed towards a complete different one that leaves me dead and numb. Because you can’t stop loving someone. No matter what they did. You don’t fall in love and then stop. It doesn’t work like that. And if you did it wasn’t love. Just an infatuation. But being in love doesn’t stop. It never stops and it leaves me breathless and it leaves me dead because I’ve given everything to it. Everything to him. And I have nothing left. And even with nothing I still give because it isn’t enough. Nothing isn’t enough and I want to give him more.
I’m falling. I fell and I’m completely gone with the thoughts of him and his touch and his smell and laugh and his eyes. And I’m abandoned with feelings for you. They stain my blood and memories. And I live every second of my life with the stench of you imprinted on my heart.
You bring me joy and anger and this up and down of a battle that I fight every time I’m alone with my thoughts.
"There’s something about you when you smiles. It’s rare and beautiful….like you" #smile #tanskin #selfie #hair #spanishgirl #beauty
“You can’t control the Universe. You are the water, not the rock.”
But actually, after a very long time, if it keeps going, the water will eventually shape the rock. You don’t realize it at first but it’s happening, it happens every second. Yes, you’re the water, but if you can’t see how you changed the universe, it doesn’t mean you didn’t.
Things change, people change. I am no longer the same. My heart is cold and bitter. My soul black. A monster. I am raw and rough.
I don’t want fall in love ever again
People underestimate me. Because of the shit I made this man put me through. I was abused for 6 months…I stayed with him even though we were broken up. We made love, fought, made love more. It’s this people think I’m naive and weak. But you know what I’m not. I’m not saying it was healthy, it was far from it. And if you are even in an abusive relationship you should leave, regardless if you’re male or female. I lost friends, money and even family because of it. I tried to commit Suicide countless of times. But I woke up everyday breathing and got up and did what I had to survive. I could’ve fought back. I could’ve had him arrested. But at the end I didn’t because I was in love. I thought if I loved him enough things would change. I thought if I did fuck up shit he would realize what he was putting me through. I was spiteful, petty, angry. I almost ran him over with my car. I almost stabbed him. I bled, lost love ones, and lost life because of this. But here I am. Still standing, still getting up doing what I need to do. I made my choice a long time ago. I made a promise to him and to myself. If that makes me weak so be it. But I know in my heart and in my soul that I will never let another man make me feel the way he made me feel. I will not let my nieces see the bruises or scars that were left on me. I kept everything a secret because it would hurt them more then it would hurt me. I took the hits, I took the verbal abuse, and I came out alive. I am fucking monster, and I know better. I love him still. I would gladly lay my life for him. I did at one point. I been through so much worst then this past year. I seen things I never wanted to see, I been things I never wanted to be. I fought so hard to get to where I am and I’ll be damned if you think me being weak is going to stop me. This is my life, these are my choices, and I don’t regret any single thing. So call me weak. Call me stupid. Call me whatever the fuck you want. I am alive and your words will never break my skin.